Holidays bring us together with loved ones, but they can also be a cocktail of joy and triggers. We talked with Dr. Lauren Carter, clinical director of Modern Minds, who shared some practical tools and strategies to help you stay focused on what truly matters during this festive season.
Before the Gathering
- Focus on Values: Determine what the gathering means to you. Is it about connection, fun or gratitude? Write these values down on a notecard or your phone – a touchstone to keep you grounded.
- Hold Space: Acknowledge that gatherings can be both joyous and challenging. People are wonderfully complex, so avoid labeling a situation or a person as solely one thing. Hold space for the “AND.”
During the Gathering
- Take a Breather: Give yourself permission to step away when needed. Find a quiet spot, take a breath and reground yourself.
- Drop Anchor: Ground yourself in your body and get back to the present moment when you find yourself absorbed in your thoughts. Follow these 3 steps (ACE):
- Acknowledge your thoughts and feelings.
- Come back to your body.
- Engage fully in the present moment.
- Take a Mini-Mental Vacation: Close your eyes for a 1 to 5-minute mental vacation to a favorite place, using all five senses to ground yourself.
Tools for Dealing with Stressful Interactions
- Wear an Annoying Comment like Loose Clothing: The comment may be there, but it doesn’t have to stick to you. Instead, wear the comment like loose clothing by giving it no response.
- Teflon Mind: Visualize your mind as a Teflon pan; let negative thoughts and feelings slide right off
- “Is that so?” Response: Acknowledge someone’s (annoying) comment without reacting by simply saying, “Is that so?” then, move on.
- Redirect Your Attention to What Matters: Brush off stressful interactions by reconnecting with the values of the gathering. Consider taking a moment to revisit the values you thought of before the gathering (written on your phone or put on a notecard in your pocket). Remember: where attention goes, energy flows.
Putting it all together:
Imagine you’re at a holiday dinner, and a family member starts making annoying comments about food and/or eating. The family member says: “You’re eating that?” or “You’re not going to have a second helping, are you?” or “You really need to try X not X”. Here’s a way a person could respond:
- Encountering Triggering Comments: Describe, Express, Assert
- Describe: Stick to the facts and avoid opinions.
- Express: Clearly share how a situation makes you feel such as, “I feel frustrated because your comment implies I can’t make my own food decisions.”
- Assert: Be direct in expressing what you need such as, “I need you to leave my food choices to me.”
Remember what truly matters is the love, connection and cherished moments you share with your family and friends. ️
